The Cook County Gay Bar
by Jade14
Summary: New Chapter! Very odd ER fic. This is what happens when three authors collaberate.
1. Whose Bitch is That?

Round Robin Fic Game Part 1 By: Jade14 and Tori_17 www.Fanforum.com

[Dave] Why is everyone under the desk   
[Kerry] Why aren't you under the desk? (is pulled under by Kerry)  
[Dave] Chief, getting a little frisky, huh?  
[Kerry] By whose standards?   
[Dave]My standards, I thought you werent into guys, but I guess no women can resist my charms,and OW!!! (Is hit by Kerry's cane)  
[Kerry] Shut up and kiss me.   
[Dave} Well, what ever gets me a raise...  
[Benton] Let's not talk about who's raised and why.  
[Romano] Feeling a bit left out huh Dr. Benton?  
[Benton] No, but whats going on over in chairs is getting to me, why do you think were under the desk?  
[Romano] Is that a patient chasing Carter with and IV?  
[Chen]Yes, hes a bum we found out on the street, it seemes that they are fighting about whose life is more messed up.  
[Benton] I've got 5 on Carter, who's in?  
[Abby] I'm in for ten, and don't ask me why, but I know I'll win.( Thinks about vikaden)  
[Luka]I'll pay for her, because I'm a georgeous gentleman who respects and treats the ladies right, and it's very sweet of me.   
[Romano] I was under the impression that Europeans didn't shower?  
[Elizabeth] Then you must be European, Dr. Romano, right?  
[Romano]What, associate with those freaks? No offense Kovach, but your whole 'brooding-evil-within-me-thing'? Not too appealing. You should really work on that.   
[Kovac] Well,DUDE, you don't know...(Luka begins swearing in Croctian, and everyone lookes at him for a second, then goes back to Carter, who has the bum pinned to the ground)  
[Carter] (is holding down the bum and looks up at everyone) Why isn't anyone helping me, HELL-O, patient attacking me with an IV here, Christ on a Crutch do we need a repeat of the Valentine's day incident for you people to get your asses in gear, And another thing.... (Carter continues to go Bitchcakes)  
[Benton] Five dollars says he brings up Anna Delaminco.  
[Romano] (We hear Carter mutter in the background, "I heard that!") I'd choose  
my words carefully if I were you Peter, if you're not careful he might end up under a train, ala Gant. (Everyone, including the bum and Carter, stop and look at Benton)   
[Bum] Whose Gant? (Carter slugs him)  
[Some person] (comes running in all bloody) Help! You have to help me!  
[Kerry] Were closed for trauma. Go harass someone at Mercy. (Bum#2 starts throwing up blood, Kerry throws him an emison basin)  
[Benton] Oh no,(looking up towars sky) They are comming to take Cleo back to her home planet, not my love!(Benton starts crying, Cleo sheads her skin to reveal CleoTron)  
[Carter] Ha! Say, speaking of adding insult to injury, anyone wanna break out the pics from doctor Benton's appendectomy? I promise, they rock. (He leaves the now unconcious bum, puking bum #2, and the bloody trauma victim to their own demise and walks toward the desk)  
[CleoTron]Only if I can have copies before Scotty beams me up.  
[Carter] Lucky for you, I have extra copies in case of an emergency.   
[Romano] I need some, I ran out of things to ride him about, an emergency!  
[Carter] (Despenses the photos to those in need and waves goodbye to Cleobot) So...shouldn't we be helping people or something?  
[Mark]Let's go to the gay bar down the street instead!  
[Carter] Pipe down Crome-Dome! I mean, hey Mark, what's up.  
[Mark]You remember, acouple of months ago we went to the gay bar when you were really stoned and then we went back to my place...  
[Carter] (quickly interupts Mark) Oh MY God! The Tumor is causing dementia, we have to get him to surgery. I'll book the OR. (he calls up while the others strap a protesting Mark to the gurney)  
[Abby]*grabs Luka, kisses him passionately and pushes him away* How'd ya like that, Angel of Death! *Does the same to Carter* Can't forget the Drugstore-Cowboy! Tee-hee! *runs away giggling like a schoolgirl*  
[Mark] Carter, don't you remember the times we had together? (starts sobbing)  
[Carter] Hey, we said we wouldn't talk about that...er I mean, Wow I can't believe this dementia. (starts talking to mark like he's 5 yrs old) It's ok Mark. We're going to take care of you, you have nothing to worry about. (As the techs are wheeling Mark away he twirls his finger around his ear, making the universal 'crazy' sign)  
[Romano] Hey Lizzy, since your cheating boy-joy fiance is now crazy, wanna hook up?  
[Elizabeth] Uck, Sod off! (She follows the gurney up to the OR as everyone else gives Romano the stink-eye)  
(Chase Carter rolls in in a wheelchair)  
[Chase] Timmy! Timmy! Rrrrbrrrerraaa!!!  
[Dave] Who's that?  
[Carter] I don't know, never seen him before. (he starts to walk the other way)  
[Mark] (sitting in loony bin reading his script) This was NOT how I was supposed to leave the show!  
[Corday] mark, this is A HOSPITAL. you're not on A TV SHOW.  
(Mark just gives her a 'yeah whatever' look. Back in the land of non-impending deaths..)  
[Romano] Too bad Lizzy's hung up on tumor boy, we could have been great together.  
[Dave] Why are all the nurses still under the desk?  
[Carter] My guess is they're hiding from YOU Dave. (He then smiles at him to let him know that he's only joking)  
[Chase] Hey...I can talk! Its a miracle!  
[Carter] Want some fries?  
[Chase] We just had fries last week!  
[Lydia] (comes running up) Carter we need you in trauma 2, Luka's killing another patient.  
[Carter] This inner demons storyline is getting so boring. (walkes off towards Trauma two)  
(A few minutes later Carter comes walking toward the admit desk)  
[Lydia] So did you make it in time? (Everyone watches as Carter walks toward the board and adds another skull and bones stamp beside Luka's name as he's humming "Another one bites the dust")  
[Abby] Im starting to lean a little more towards Carter...  
[Dave] Carter? What's he got that I don't got?  
[Carter] Money.  
[Haleh] Personality. (Everyone takes a turn in naming something)  
[Dave] I have better abs (everyone nods in reluctant agreement)  
[Carter] Yeah, but my ass is cuter. (everyone agrees, even Romano and Benton.) So suck on that Malucci! *He walks away with a smile on his face*  
[Dave] From the look of things, Romano and Benton want to suck on that... (Benton and Romano nod in agreement)  
[Mark] No! He's mine! (starts sobbing again)  
(Everyone starts fighting over Carter and soon a riot insues. Doctors are hitting patients, patients are hitting dotors, it's a mess. Carter runs and hids in a closet. Soon the chicago PD arrives)  
[Cop] Ok people break it up, break it up!  
[Cop] Everyone here knows he's mine! (rioting ensues)  
(The paramedics arrive)  
[Paramedic 1] What the hell is going on here?  
[EMT#2] Apparently they don't know that Carter is Benton's bitch.  
[Benton] (looks up from fighting) You heard the man, so you suckas can just step off! (he goes in search of Carter)  
[Mark] First there killing me off and now I found out that Carter is Benton's Bitch? Oh the horrors of life! I should have joined NASA!!!  
[Dave] Dude, aren't you dead yet?  
[Mark] And I don't even die untill 2002! They let me linger then kill me off before the new Star Wars movie comes out!  
(Everyone just stares at Mark. Cut to Benton knocking on a closet door)  
[Benton] Carter? You in there?  
[Carter]No hablar ingles  
[Benton] Carter, stop goofing off and open this door!  
[Carter] I love Mark!!!  
[Benton] What? Carter man, did you hit your head or something?  
[Carter] I don't want to be your bitch anymore Benton! I love Mark and he loves me!  
[Benton] Carter, is this about last night? Look I told you I got hung up at work, I still love you man. (Still greeted by silence, Benton tries another approach)Tell you what, if you open the door I'll get you an ice cream.  
[Carter] I won't fall for your tricks anymore Peter Benton! I no longer sell my body for ice cream!  
[Carter] I won't…wait, are we talking sprinkles here?  
[Benton] And a cherry on top...  
[Carter] Kay! (he says happily, opens the door and launches himself into Benton's waiting arms.)  
[Carter] Oh Benton, tell me Ill always be your bitch!  
(Benton is about to talk, but Kerry comes around the corner)  
[Kerry] Benton, Carter, stop goofing off and GET BACK TO WORK!  
[Benton] Why, you need this closet? I was here first.  
(Kerry pulls out a time sheet, and shows Benton)  
[Kerry] This closet is reserved for my three o clock with Romano. (Kerry gets the closet because Benton and Carter run to the bathroom to throw up)  
(The two men run past Romano, who just shakes his head)  
[Romano] So what's this I hear about a meeting? And let's make it quick, I have places to be.   
(We hear Marvin Gaye's 'Let's Get It On' start playing as the scene phases out)  
[Dave] Thus another day in a fan-run ER episode.


	2. Benton Looses his Bitches

Round Robin Fic Game Part 2 -- Benton Looses His Bitches.

By: Jade14 and Tori_17

[Dave] Can someone get Carter and Benton some Composine! *walks into closet* Yo, I need some too! *runs to bathroom and joins Carter and Benton*  
(A little while later the shell-shocked men wonder out of the bathroom and take a seat in chairs)  
[Carter] I've never seen anything like that it my life! Oh the horror! (runs to the showers and starts compulsively washing) MUST.GET.CLEAN!   
[Benton] Hey Bitch (Carter), want some company in that shower?  
[Carter] (snaps at Benton) Don't call me Bitch, Jerk! (goes back to washing) MUST.GET.CLEAN!  
[Benton] I need to find a new bitch..Hey Dave!..whats up  
[Dave] Don't even think about it dude. Where is Carter anyway? He was gonna loan me 10 bucks for dinner. (He starts looking around Benton to see if he can spot Carter.)  
[Carter] *sticks his head out of the shower* Who are you taking out Dave?  
[Dave] I'm flying solo. I was just gonna head over to Magoo's. You wanna go?  
[Carter] (looks over at Benton and then at Dave) Sure Dave. (Looks at Benton) He calls me CARTER.  
(Dave and Carter start to walk away leaving a lone Benton in the hall)  
[Benton] Wait Bi..uh I mean Carter, can I come too? (he asks hopefully)  
[Carter] No! (sticks out his tongue)  
Dave] (Whispers to Benton) Whose bitch is he now, eh Dr. Pete?  
[Benton] Man, Im losing all my bitches today. It must be a full moon. (scene fades out)  
(Cut to Benton running down the street, franticly asking people stuff)  
[Benton] Excuse me, would you be my bitch? What about you? You? (gasps in shock) Romano?  
(Romano looks disgusted and shoves Peter away)  
[Romano] Please Peter, I know I'm irresistible, but GET A GRIP!   
[Benton] But I need a Bitch! I haven't been without one since before Bi- I mean Carter-started working at County! I'm going through withdrawl!  
[Roman] Look, I normally don't go outta my way to dispense any romantic mombo-jumbo but for a couple of freaks like you two, I'll make an exception. Now I know this is a hard concept for you to grasp Peter, but have you tried APOLOGIZING? Ten-to-one it will make all the difference. Now get out of my face. (He continues on his way, muttering "damn hippie-free loving freaks")  
[Benton] Thats it! I'll apoligize to the Rich-Bitch! I'll show Malucci he isn't the only pimp in this County... (scene fades out)  
(Cut to Magoo's. Carter and Malucci are at a both talking.)  
[Dave] Man, don't worry, it's Benton's loss. You're way too nice to be with a guy like that. what did you see in him anyway?   
[Carter] he's not rich, he's not a nice person, and he's not very attractive... I don't know.  
(As Dave and Carter are discussing it, Benton walks into Magoo's. He spots them and walks over to the booth.)  
[Benton] Hey Carter. Listen, uh can we go talk outside for a minute?  
(Carter nods and they walk outside)  
[Benton] Hey man. I'm really sorry for cancelling on your fundraiser thing so you had to take Abby, and calling you those names and all that. I'm really sorry, and I want to make it up to you.  
(Carter looks thoughtfully at Benton)   
[Carter] What? I wasn't paying attention.  
[Benton] Well.. (benton semi calmly repeats himself)  
(Benton is in the middle of telling Carter how he feels when Carter interupts him)  
[Carter] Wow, that clown on the corner is making balloon animals. (he says happily and starts to drag Benton, who's becoming more and more agitated, that way)  
[Dave] Looks out the window of Magoos) Where do you think your going with my bitch? Damn. I only had him for a few minutes before I lost him. Believe me Peter Benton, I will get Carter back... (scene fades out)   
(Cut to Dave walking into the ER, somewhat perturbed. Abby notices his mood)  
[Abby] Hey Dave. Something wrong?  
[Dave] Like I'd tell you. It'd be all over the ER in less than an hour.  
[Abby] I was just trying to be nice, Grenada boy! It's not like I actually care. You know, when I was in O.B….  
[Dave] STOP!! (starts strangling Abby)  
(People come to help her until they hear "OB" being sputtered out, then they turn and walk the other way. Just then Benton and Carter come in. Carter is happily carrying a little balloon giraffe.)  
[Benton] what's going on?  
[Dave] (forgets about OB girl) Carter? What are you doing with him? I thought we discussed this!  
[Carter] Oh hey Dave! Look what Dr. Benton got me. (He shows him the little balloon giraffe and then makes a face.) What'd you ever get me.  
[Dave] I never had a chance! You were only mine for 10 minutes! (Carter kisses the balloon Giraffe, and Benton smirks at Dave)  
[Benton] (still smirking at Dave) Looks like the best man won, chump! (Dave gets pissed)  
[Dave] You wanna make something of it?  
[Benton] I already wiped the floor with your sorry butt once. I don't have a problem doing it again. (Steps in front of Carter)  
[Dave] I let you win man. I can kill you any day.  
[Carter] Hey, don't fight in front of him! It makes him sad! (He says as he points to the giraffe)  
[Carter] His name is Gilbert the Giraffee. (he hugs it close to his chest) He's my very bestest friend!  
[Dave] (trying to get on carter's good side) See Benton, your upsetting Gilbert! Maybe you should look into those anger management classes.  
[Carter] Yeah! Can I have a lollypop?  
[Benton] (finally fed up with Carter's childish behavior) Carter! Have you had your nap today?  
[Carter] No. (turns to Dave) When its time for me to go to sleep, Petey puts a smelly cloth over my mouth and nose and I go to sleep right away! Isnt he the best?  
(Dave's eyes widen in shock and horror and Benton laughs nervously)  
[Benton] Oh there you go again with those stories…let's go, nap time. (He says quickly and starts to drag Carter away)   
(Randi comes up to Dave)   
[Randi] So Dave, I heard your looking for a new boy toy.  
(Dave eyes her warily)  
[Dave] That depends. What do YOU have to do with it?  
[Randi] I happen to know someone whose available.  
[Dave] I'm listening.  
[Randi] (leans in) Corday has run off with Romano. That leaves Mark up for grabs. This meeting didn't happen. (she leaves)  
(Dave thinks about what she has said. Then he remembers who mark is and makes a Side Show Bob esque shudder. )  
[Dave] Gross. (He then goes in search of Carter)  
[Hospital Cheif] We have a problem with the members of our staff ditching work to visit the gay bar down the street. Does anyone have a solution to this problem?  
[Weaver] well we could have Gay Friday's here at work…  
[Staff] (nods in agreement)  
[Chief] Ok, it's settled then.   
(Cut to Dave searching for Carter)  
[Dave] Carter? Are you in there? I have Cotton Candy...  
(Benton steps out of the room and gets in Dave's face)  
[Benton] He's asleep. Now scram! (He sort of pushes Dave)  
[Dave] Hey! What makes you think you own Carter? He deserves the right to choose his own pimp!  
[Benton] I saw him first Damnit!   
(Dave and Benton get into a slap fight)  
[Staff] FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT!!!!!!!!  
(Carter stumbles out of the room, rubbing his eyes sleepily)  
[Carter] Hey what's going o..WHAM! (he gets popped in the face)  
[Mark] (had just come down from the physc ward)  
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooo!!!!!! (runs over to Carter) CARTER!!! My love! Are you Alright! (looks behind him) FOR GOSH SAKES SOMEONE GET A GURNEY!!!!!!!  
[Carter] No, no I'm ok. I don't need a…(But no one is listening and a frantic Mark, Dave, and Benton toss him on a gurney)  
[Dave&Benton&Mark] NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! Hes gonna die? Then who will be our Bitch?  
[Carter] I'm not dying! And stop calling me a B..(But no one is really listening as they wheel him into the exam room)  
[Kerry] (we hear the sternal saw revving up) Were going to have to crack him!  
[Carter] Oh no you're NOT! (He knocks it out of her hand and starts to go Kung Fu on everybody)  
[Kerry] Five of Haldol, NOW!!  
(Benton, Dave, and Mark all realize that Kerry may hurt their precious Carter and take her down. They then grab Carter, stuff him in Mark's van, and they make off with him.)  
[Dave] So where are we headed?  
[Mark] The Gay Bar. Where else?  
[Benton] (starting to get irate) Hey why do you get to pick!  
[Mark] Well, where did you want to go?  
[Dave] (Points at Benton) Why should HE get to pick! (Benton snaps at him and soon the three men are yelling again. Carter has had enough. He opens the sliding door and jumps out, remembering to "Tuck and Roll")  
[Dave] Hey!! What the heck do you think your doing! WE OWN YOU!!!  
(As Carter is walking away, he breaks out into a rendition of "you don't own me." *Think first wives club*)  
[Carter] (singing) "You don't own me. I'm not one of your many toys. You don't own me, don't say I can't go out with other boys. And DON'T tell me what to do and DON'T tell me what to say, JUST let me be myself…" (He continues his song as he hails a cab)  
[Cab Driver] Shut up fool.  
(Carter stops singing and looks at the driver. He recognizes and stares in shock)  
[Carter] Mr. T?! When did you start driving cabs?  
[MR. T] When I lost my A-Team gig, FOOL  
[Carter] Wow. I've always wanted to meet you. I use to watch you all the time when I was a kid. You were AWESOME! All the other kids were all like "Superman this or Spiderman that", But I was all like "nuh-uh Mr. T, FOOL!" Wow. Say do those gold chains ever get heavy?   
[MR. T] Do you think I care fool? I pity the fool who idolizes me! Get out of my cab fool. (Mr. T throws Carter out, and speeds away)  
[Carter] Oh Yeah, well, well…that's why your show got cancelled anyway! So there! (he yells and sticks his tongue out at the cab as it speeds away. He brushes himself off and starts to hail another cab. Just then, Mark's van comes speeding around the corner)   
[Mark] Carter!!  
(Mark screeches to a halt, mowing down Carter in the process)  
[Benton] Mark! Where'd you learn to drive, you flattened him! Normally the object is to AVOID the pedestrians! (He snaps as he gets out of the van and rushes over to Carter)  
(Carter is a bloody mess - Benton drops to his kness and hold his hands up to the sky)  
[Benton] WHHHHYYYYYYYY?!?!?!?!?!?!!!? (he starts to sob) 

(Suddenly Benton awakens with a start from his horrible nightmare. He looks around and sees that he's in bed in his room. Just then Carter walks in carrying a breakfast tray.)  
[Carter] Good you're up. Look, I made you eggs, just the way you like them. (Benton pushes aside the eggs and embraces Carter lovingly.) Wow, I should make eggs more often huh. (Sweet music plays and the scene fades to black.)


	3. The Cook County Gay Bar

Round Robin Fic Game Part 3 By: Jade14, Tori_17, and Maluccis Girl

(Benton walks into the ER with a happy smile on his face--Carter follows close behind, like a little puppy. Benton sees Dave)  
[Benton] Oh Dave! You will never believe the dream I had! You were there (points to Abby), and you!(points to Mark), and you! And Romano too!!! Oh there's no place like Cook County!!!  
(Carter laughs nervously and whispers to everyone..)  
[Carter] Just smile and nod. (They do) Come on Benton you've got a small bowel obstruction with your name on it. (He says and steers him to surgery)  
[Benton] Boy Howdy!!!  
(The staff stares after Benton in confusion)  
[Deb] Is it just me or does Benton seem a little, um, off?  
[Gabe] He seems ok to me.  
[Dave] (under his breath) I'll bet. (Just then Carter comes walking toward the admit desk)  
[Carter] Yea, he's been acting funny. He even said good morning to me and shook my hand...I almost fainted!!"   
(Just then Romano comes running down from the O.R, he looks disturbed)  
[Romano] Ok Benton's lost it. He set off the sprinkler system and is dancing around and "singing in the rain" (he looks at Carter) I guess you two have worked out your problems.   
[Romano] I can read dreams. Greatle is a psychic dog.  
(Everyone just looks at him like he's nuts)  
[Carter] Okaaaay. (To everyone else) Maybe there's something going around up in surgery. Hey Mark, has Elizabeth been acting weird?  
Mark] Actually, she has been hanging around Romano more and more lately...  
[Lizzie] What are you talking about, I'm so pregnant Romano only lets me do paper work and kiss his a**! I don't know what you are talking about, Benton is just as nuts as romano is!!"  
(We see Benton and Romano dancing)  
[Benton & Romano] Scooby Scooby Doo, Where are you, we've got some work to do now!!!!  
[Carter] I wonder what's causing this hysteria? (Eventually it is discovered that their behavior is caused by the new 'health food' in the vending machines. Real food, i.e. sweets, is put back into the machine and Benton and Romano are sent home) And I have to go home to that. (he says, indicating Benton. He gets nods of sympathy from the staff.)  
[Kerry] Today is Gay Friday! (everyone cheers)  
(Everyone starts to party and they get the music going. Mark tries to dance with Carter but Carter runs the other way, so he has to settle for Kovac. Just then Kim comes down from psych.)  
[Kim] What's going on?  
[Carter] Its Gay Friday!  
(Fortunately there's a big storm so there are no ER cases. The party is going great and everyone is getting loaded. Carter jumps up on the admit desk and starts to dance to "I'm too sexy")  
[Dave & Mark] Whoooo! Take it off! (everyone yells for him to take it off)  
[Carter] (shrugs) OK. (takes off Lab coat)  
[Staff] Whooohoooo!!!]  
(Carter starts to really get into it. He takes off is stethoscope and tie.)  
[Susan] Looks like I came back at just the right time! (She starts to put money into his belt. As he's starting to undo his shirt Benton walks in)  
[Benton] Carter! That's supposed to be our private strip tease for Gay Friday! You're doing it for everybody? How could you?  
[Carter] shrugs They paid me. (Benton gets Carter of the desk and receives many boo's and hisses from the crowd)  
[Benton] You would trade what we have for a couple of lap dancing dollars? (starts to squeak hia voice and cry)  
[Carter] Are you still upset about that dream? (Benton looks down) I promise I'll never leave you. (He gives him a big ol' hug. Everyone watches them sweetly and dries their eyes)  
[Mark] That's so beautiful!  
(Just then a paramedic calls over the radio and says that there's been a big fire down at the gay bar. There were only a few injuries but the bar burned to the ground.)  
[Mark] Nooooooooooooooooo! (he collapses to the ground)  
[Kerry} NOT THE GAY BAR!! (entire staff starts sobbing)  
[Carter] I know!  
[Mark] What?  
[Carter] Lets turn Trauma 1 into a Gay bar! We can go whenever we want, and make the hospital some extra money! We can call it the Cook County Gay Bar!  
(staff cheers)  
(the start to set it up)  
[Carter] I'll be the bartender (But everyone disagrees. They decide that he should be the entertainment and shove him into one of the go-go cages. Benton walks in and sees what they've done and gets pissed)  
[Benton] Carter!!  
[Dave] Hey Dr. Pete, chill out. (He tries to hand Benton a drink but Benton is having none of it and slaps it out of his hand. He then starts chasing Dave around for the keys to the go-go cage)  
[Benton] Carter is mine! i WILL NOT HAVE YOU DESPLAYING HIM LIKE THAT! (meanwhile...Carter is doing a striptease)  
[Carter] Yeah! You know how I like dollar bills! Yeah baby!  
(Just then Benton tackles Dave)  
[Benton] Hand over those keys!!!  
[Dave] Never!  
Dave tosses the keys to Mark who is sitting with Yosh playing footsie under the table.  
[DAVE] Yo can get off me now, besides Benton you are so not my type!!!(Dave winks at Carter which pisses Benton off even more)  
(Benton and Dave get into another slap fight, we see a drunk Romano and Lizzy making out in the corner)  
[Lizzy] Robbie! I love the way that you have no hair! Oh I love everything about you!  
(Romano looks smug)  
[Romano] I know  
(Just then Carter has found a way out of the cage and is trying to sneak around Benton and Dave, who are wrestling around on the floor.)   
(Dave catches Carter out of the corner of his eye, which distracts him and gives Peter the chance to sucker punch him)  
[Dave](with the wind knocked out of him) STOP! CARTER, HE IS GETTING AWAY!!!  
(Just then Carter starts to run like mad with Benton and Dave close behind. He makes for the elevator and slips inside just before the door closes. He breaths a sigh of relief, without noticing the other person in the elevator)  
[Romano] Why Hello Carter. (Carter starts frantically pushing buttons)  
(Dave and Benton look at each other, and then at the stair case)  
[Benton] Let's take the stairs, you go to the 5th floor and I go to the 4th floor  
[Dave] How come I gotta run a longer distance?  
[Benton] You're in better shape!  
(The two men run off)  
(Cut back to Carter who's in the elevator. He hits the emergency button and the elevator stops in between the second and third floor. He pries the door open and climbs out.)  
[Romano] Was it me? (he shrugs) Owell.  
(he hits the button and the elevator starts up again. It stops on the 4th floor. The doors open to reveal an angry Dr. Benton)  
[Benton] Where's Carter!  
[Romano] Cage Boy? Boy can he dance...  
Meanwhile back at "Cook County Gay Bar" Lizzie stumbles around looking for Romano and bumps into Kerry and Kim making out on the dance floor)  
[Lizzy]Oh, excuse me you two, may I have the next dance, I seem to have lost my dance partner.  
[Kim] Of course, (She steps around Kerry to get to Lizzy) I just love that english accent  
[Mark] Hey Kovak, looks like someone ELSES accent is getting them some action!  
[Luka]I got all the action I need right here. HEY Dave's back everyone!!!   
(noone really seems to care. Mark just shrugs)  
[Mark] so Dave, did you find Carter?  
[Dave](sadly) No, I lost him as he ran into the elevator.   
[Mark] Well what good is that? WE NEED A CAGE DANCER!  
(Mark and Luka look at each other and a lightbulb appears over their heads. They look back at Dave)  
[Dave] (fearfully) What? (They shove him into the cage) Hey, you can't do this! I will not endure this humiliation, I will not..say, this ain't so bad. (he starts to get his groove on)  
(Now the attention turns to Dave, who is slowly starting his dancing in the cage)  
[Mark & Luka] TAKE IT OFF! TAKE IT OFF!   
(Dave starts to unbutton his scrub top, and then takes it off. He starts whipping it around like a lasso, and throws it at an excited Mark. It lands on his head.)  
[Dave} Hey this ain't so bad at all!  
[Crowd] THE PANTS! TAKE OFF THE PANTS!  
(Just then Carter sneaks in and walks up beside Lydia)  
[Carter] What's going on?  
[Mark] (Swinging Dave's scrub top) We got Dave to take your spot, and I must say at first it didn't seem like a good idea, but I'd say you got some competition.  
[Staff & various patrons from the origional Gay Club] Go White Boy, Go White Boy!  
(Carter starts to fume at Mark's remark and other staff members are egging him on)  
[Carter] I'll show you competition!!! (He jumps on the table and starts to dance to "Hot Stuff")  
(Carter still shirtless from before, now starts to remove his pants, so Dave rips his pants off revealing his sexy muscular legs, and his italian flag boxers. Carter has heart boxers)   
[Dave] What original boxers you have Carter, what would you people rather see, some skinny white boy or an ITALIAN STALLION?!  
[Mark] Well, actually, when that skinny white boy's Carter…(But he's interrupted as Carter launches himself at Dave and they start to fight. The crowd is really getting their money's worth tonight! Just then Benton runs in and gets mad a Malucci.)  
[Benton] What the hell are you doing to Carter? (Benton jumps into the fight and somehow ends up with no clothes on. Mark and Yosh dissapear then reappear with a bucket of mud, dumping it over all three of them.)  
(Romano breaks out his camera)  
[Romano] These will look nice on my office wall. (Meanwhile Carter is shoving Dave's face in the mud and yelling at him for talking about his 'skinny' body)  
(meanwhile, Benton is doing one of those wrestling backwards leg grab moves, where by he sits on Malucci's back just above his rear, and pulls his leg backward)  
[Dave] Hey monkey man LET GO OF MY LEG NOW!!(Since the mud makes Benton's grip slippery, Dave spins around and goes to Kick Benton in the teeth, but Carter's head gets in the way, and Carter is knocked unconscious)   
[Mark] NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooo!!!!!!! FOR GOSH SAKES SOMEONE GET A GURNEY!!! (everyone looks at Mark like 'not again!' and throws more mud over Carter to revive him)  
(Benton gets up and knocks everyone out of the way)  
[Benton] GET OFFA MY BOY! (he bends down towards Carter) Carter, hey Carter, can you hear me man. (he starts to get weepy as the roll him away for a CT. Just then Benton spots Dave and goes psycho he grabs the sternal saw off the tray table and charges towards Dave) Come here! (he starts up the saw)  
(Dave looks at Benton charging him with the sternal saw)  
[Dave] HOLY CRAP!!! Benton you are outta your mind!!  
(Dave turns to run, but slips and falls he turns around just in time to get out of the fatal run in with the saw, but Benton still snags Dave on the shoulder blade with the saw. Benton then tries to get Dave again but Dave sticks his leg out and trips Benton who falls right on the sternal saw FACE FIRST, blood and  
guts and gray matter fly all over Dave and the rest of the mud wrestlers)  
(Just then Carter wakes up from his horrible nightmare in the CT)  
[Carter] Ahhhhhhhh! (just then Benton walks in, and yes, with his head still attached) Oh thank goodness, I had the most horrible dream (he proceeds to tell Benton about it.)  
(As Carter tells Benton his crazy dream, Dave comes in covered with MUD)  
[Carter] Dave! What the hell happened to you???  
[Dave] Dr. Pete got a little carried away (he ignores the look Benton gives him at being called 'Dr. Pete) So Carter, your ok right? (he asks worriedly)   
(Dave goes to the sink and starts to wash at least his hands and face for now, Benton tries to control his laughter under his breath. As Dave wipes the mud out of his bleached blond hair Benton remarks  
[Benton] Well Malucci, we all thought you looke better as a brunette anyway.  
(He laughs smugly and Dave grabs a huge glob of mud off of his head and flings it at Peter, hitting him square in the face)  
[Carter] (points at Benton) Ha!  
(Benton fumes at Malucci,and spits mud out of his mout, but turns his attention to the hysterically laughing Carter)  
[Benton] You think this is funny, yeah Dave, good one you really got me good, you incompetant little Scheiß. STOP LAUGHING CARTER!!(Benton takes the glob off his face, and throws it at Carter now)  
[Carter] Hey, no fair! I'm lying here defenseless. (starts to grin) Besides, it could be a good look for you. (he starts laughing again and so does Dave. Benton gets mad and stomps out) Aww, don't be like that. I LOVE YOU! (we here Benton mutter some more angry words down the hall. Carter is still laughing.) Aww, I think he's mad at me. So Dave, got any plans?  
[Dave] Surprisingly no, I am working a double shift, and I have like 1/2 hour before my next one, I will probably go to Doc Magoo's grab something quick, and come back before Festus has any time to bitch at me.   
(Carter looks at Dave strangely, and kind of with a look of surprised horror yet comedy as he noticed what Dave didn't and that was that Kerry was standing behind Dave from the words "Doc Magoo's" You can see Kerry's fuming, and she is now begining to tap that crutch of hers)  
[Kerry] (narrows her eyes) Hello Malucci   
(Dave turns around fumbling with the words that will save his butt cuz there really aren't any at this point. He just kind of looks at her embarrassingly and manages to stammer out a cover up that Kerry obviously isn't buying)  
[Dave] uh...hey Chief what's going on? Heh, didn't see you standing there, uh...you're looking very uh....nice...today?   
(Carter tries with no avail to hold in his uproarous laughter)  
[Carter] And that's my cue to leave. Besides, I have to go find Benton. Good luck Dave! (he says and runs out laughing)  
[Kerry] Well Dr. Malucci, since I seem to have come in durring a great joke at my expence, perhaps you could clue ME in to what exactly the joke was about, or maybe you enjoy doing desk work for the next say 2 months or so...That means NO TRAUMAS and NO STERNAL SAW AND NO BLOOD AND GUTS  
OF ANY KIND!! Do I make myself PERFECTLY clear???   
[Dave] NO BLOOD OR GUTS!!!! NOOOOO!!! ILL BE GOOD, I PROMISE!!!  
(Kerry laughs evily. Cut to Carter searching for Benton. He walks up to the admit desk)  
[Carter] Anyone seen Benton?  
[Randi] I just saw him leave with Luka.  
[Carter] WHAT!!!  
[Randi] God, I'm just kidding. Don't be so anal..uh. ahem, Benton's in the lounge.  
(Carter finds Benton in the lounge washing the mud off his face and tongue. Benton hears Carter come in turns to look at him, flashes him the evil eye and goes back to what he was doing.)  
[Carter] Oh, come on Benton, don't be such a baby, it's just a little mud, it's not gonna kill you. I might if you don't talk to me... Oh, come on Benton, if the tables were turned and it was Malucci up here, you'd be hysterical...Fine, I am going back downstairs to talk to DAVE, at least HE has a sense of humor, morbid as it may be. (Carter leaves)  
[Benton] Who cares. (smiles as Yosh comes in)  
[Yosh] Time for your sponge bath Dr. Benton...  
[Benton] (His smile quickly fades) Hey Carter wait up! I'm sorry, you were right. Come back, I love yoooooouuu…..(he chases after him. Carter stops and waits for him to catch up with a smile on his face)  
[Carter] ha ha, I knew you'd come back, you actually think I was gonna go talk to Dave? Why do you think I sent Yosh in there, I knew you wouldn't let him sponge you. I knew I was in the clear, besides, if you made me actually have to keep my word about talking to Dave, I would have had to kill you. Lets go get lunch.  
[Benton] ok, but I get to pick.   
[Carter] No way! I'm not eating tofu again. (they walk out arguing about where to eat)  
(Mark walks into the lounge and find Luka who is supposed to be working, sleeping on the couch.)  
[Mark] Hey Kovac, you dumb Croat,(Luka abruptly awakes) you are on the clock, what is wrong with you today anyway? Hurry before Kerry or Romano sees you, I doubt if they will be so nice.  
(Luka holds his hand up)  
[Luka] Talk to the hand. (shrugs) I heard it somewhere. (Just then Kerry walks in)  
[Kerry] DR. KOVAK! You are supposed to be on duty, NOT sleeping in the lounge, there are patients to be seen, and you had better see them, or you will be talking only to your hand because you won't have a job or patients to talk to..DO I HAVE TO GET THE RAPE WHISTLE??? GOD, you are turning in to the next Malucci more and more everyday now, what has gotten into you??  
(just then a paper airplane hits her in the back of the head)  
[Kerry] MALUCCI! (she screetches as she crutches out)  
(Malucci is in the hall talking to Randi with his back toward Kerry, he didn't even have time to notice her crutch fly up let alone have time to jump out of the way before Kerry slammed the end of her crutch into his back. Malucci yells in pain)  
[Kerry] Maybe that will teach you to grow up, but I doubt it, you no good lazy incompetant sorry excuse for the profession!  
[Malucci] That's it! (he tackles Kerry and they get into a slap fight. Soon other join in and eventually there's a full riot. Just then Benton and Carter walk in from lunch. They see what's going on, look at each other, shake their heads, and walk back out. Just then Mark climbs from under the masses and yells…)  
[Mark] QUICK SOMEONE GET SOME SUCTURES!!! KERRY JUST BIT OFF MALUCCI'S EAR!!!  
(Kerry climbs out from the masses with the Malucci's ear still in her teeth, screaming incoherently something about Iron Kerry Weaver. Malucci climbs out from beneath the pile with blood all over him holding the side of his head where his ear had once been. He stares in horror at Kerry who has just spit the ear on the dirty hospital floor. He quickly dives and grabs his ear and gets out of the way before she can chomp off his other one.)  
(Eventually he's taken up to plastic surgery to reattach his ear while Kerry is taken to the psych ward to 'mellow out'. Mark is left in charge of the ER. Just then Kenny Law walks in with a cut on his arm)  
[Kenny] (he sees Mark) Hey whitey, I need some stitches. And don't kill me like you did my brother!  
[Mark] We aren't in the business of killing people Mr. Law, so take a seat in chairs, and we will find a doctor to take care of that arm for you.  
[Mark] (Under his Breath) In the next millenia...  
(2 hours later, Kenny Law has now bleed to death in chairs and Dave is resting in his room after his operation. Suddenly there's a knock on his door)  
[Dave] who is it?  
[Creepy Voice] What's youre favorite scary movie?  
[Dave](Unenthusiastic) Showgirls, no contest, yeah, we have all seen the movie, so if you are Kerry looking to see if my other ear tastes just as good as the one you already got HANNIBAL, just go away, I am not in the mood to see anyone right at this moment.  
(Kovak walks in the room with a funny grin on his face)Kovak, good to see you...(Kovak falls face first on the floor, dead from a stab wound to the back, Malucci stares in horror as...  
as...Abby comes into the room holding a knife.   
[Abby] So Im just the OB girl huh? Well...(Abby starts ranting. Dave lookes at her for a moment then turns on the television)

(The news was on tv, and Dave flipped the channel)  
(Abby)Oh,come on Dave, cheer up a little, they reatttached the ear and Kerry is down in psych. Isn't there anything, well almost anything we can do to make you fell better?

[Dave] yeah, leave the room. (Goes back to channel surfing. Abby gets mad and hacks Dave to bits. She then leaves the knife on top of a supply cart in the hall)


End file.
